Things are going better. The weather is cool this time of morning (3:00 a.m.). Nathan's work schedule is making me crazy. It switches every week.
The softball game was great last night and we won!. Well I didn't play, but it was our team. I had an awesome day taking the Kids to Shades. It was nice to have our little picnic. It was so good to take a couple hours of uninhibited time with the kids. They are going so fast, growing up so quickly. I don't know where the time went.

I'm still sitting here at this computer. wondering if any of the people I'm thinking of ever stop and think of me, and miss me, like I do them. If when they hear certain songs they get that little twinge inside of them and stop for a second and breathe in and breathe out. Like I do. It's all Blood and Fire to me. Blood and Fire.

It's 3:00 AM. I STILL CAN'T SLEEP. Under the guise of catching up on laundry, I'm awake, not doing laundry, but searching for some form of mental peace. Trying desperately to forget the flashbacks that are floating around my mind like clips from an old TV special. I keep waiting for the little guy in my brain to slip into his tuxedo and say Margaret Lynd.... this is your life. I look and Caleb and Holly and they seem to have it so together. I wonder if Nathan and I did at that young age. They seem to know what they're doing so much better than I do. In the course of time people do things, things you try and forgive. It's been nearly a year since I told Nathan I loved him. Each time I consider it, the feelings rush to the forefront of my mind. Anger, hurt, betrayal. And then I just can't bring myself to do it. It's so difficult for me to let go of this stuff, yet each time I try, I kick myself for being so stupid to begin with. How could I be such an idiot and not know what was going on. I should've never trusted. Like I should've seen this coming. Things have improved. It's been over a year and I've recovered from the hysterectomy and the tumors are all gone for now. I'm getting my energy back and am enjoying time with Cas and Ravi. But sometimes, I still look and wonder what old friends are doing. What am I missing out on, what will I become from here on out?

The past few days my mind has been racing, racing more than normal. It's been flooded with memories. Part of it stems from going through my old stuff. I found my old notebook from high school and some of the things I was reading brought out so much heart break. Crushes I had that I never acted on. Things I wrote that I wish I'd have told people. Things I dream about turning out differently than they did. Maybe it's normal after 12 years of being a house wife and mother. Maybe some of this is normal. We all need 20 minutes here and there so that we can make sure we're not going off the track, or to put ourselves back on as the case may be.

I was cleaning out my old desk drawer looking for more yard sale junk and came across some of my old poems, and songs. It's been ages since I'd seen some of them. At the time I questioned if they were good, or not. But looking at them now, I wondered how I could ever have thought of any of those things. My mind is so full now of daily life, that I don't think I could ever create anything like that again. It reminds me of the old Tracy Ullman (sp?) show were her character plays a rock-star. All her friends love her, but once she falls in love and gets married, all her songs are about babies and love, and they all start to sound the same. It was a really funny sketch, and it's kind of how I feel now. I may try my hand at it again sometime, but I don't think I'll like what I write until 20 years from now.

This has been a really long week. The Scout fishing day was a horrible disappointment as far as turn out. I am thankful that the other kids came so that my girls weren't the only ones there. Nathan worked so hard getting donations it was so disappointing that nobody else showed up. Officer Johnson from the DNR was wonderful. He taught us a lot and it's been a long while since I've seen someone so kind with kids. I am really trying not to be cynical, but the adults who agreed to participate and help and yet didn't even bother showing up or contacting me, they FRUSTRATE me so much!!!

On a happier note, I am very excited about the up coming yard sale. I'll get to hang out with Holly for a couple days. She's pretty cool. I forget sometimes how much younger than me she is. She and I have the same in-laws, so we have some common issues. She is much kinder and more patient than I am though.
Any money we earn is going to stock our Dave Ramsey Emergency Fund.

In the kids' minds this summer isn't the best, but I am so glad we didn't sign them up for ball this year. They've actually had time to be kids again. It's been so long since they could do that. They've been having water fights, looking for bugs and toads, and playing with Fernie and Violet. It's so nice to see them having real, natural, fun.

Cas and Aravis are growing up so fast, it scares me. I still don't know if I should pull them out this year or go with the original plan of waiting until 6th grade. I don't know what to do. I've seen perfectly good kids completely change their whole lives with one or two questionable decisions. A guy I went to school with lost his full ride scholarship because of one bad choice. Now he has a beer gut and is working at a tire store or something.
I know I can't keep them from everything, but I can have them avoid some of that negative stuff that eats at their esteem and self image. All in good time I guess.