It's 3:00 AM. I STILL CAN'T SLEEP. Under the guise of catching up on laundry, I'm awake, not doing laundry, but searching for some form of mental peace. Trying desperately to forget the flashbacks that are floating around my mind like clips from an old TV special. I keep waiting for the little guy in my brain to slip into his tuxedo and say Margaret Lynd.... this is your life. I look and Caleb and Holly and they seem to have it so together. I wonder if Nathan and I did at that young age. They seem to know what they're doing so much better than I do. In the course of time people do things, things you try and forgive. It's been nearly a year since I told Nathan I loved him. Each time I consider it, the feelings rush to the forefront of my mind. Anger, hurt, betrayal. And then I just can't bring myself to do it. It's so difficult for me to let go of this stuff, yet each time I try, I kick myself for being so stupid to begin with. How could I be such an idiot and not know what was going on. I should've never trusted. Like I should've seen this coming. Things have improved. It's been over a year and I've recovered from the hysterectomy and the tumors are all gone for now. I'm getting my energy back and am enjoying time with Cas and Ravi. But sometimes, I still look and wonder what old friends are doing. What am I missing out on, what will I become from here on out?