18 days until Christmas. Officially less than 3 weeks! We made our Christmas counters Saturday. Now we just have to remember to mark each day off. My friend Anna came over the other day to make cookies with us. She was telling me about how she grew up and how Christmas was for her family. It made me really glad that there are some things my kids will grow up knowing as family traditions, like making Christmas counters, believing in Santa (for a while), and waffles every Christmas morning.
This year is Donovan's first Christmas. I'm so happy. I know he's young, but it's still exciting. I really love that kid.
The past few years have been really nice. Since everything that's gone on with Nathan's parents, we don't really have to make allowances for them when spending our "family" time during the holidays. It's honestly been a lot more fun. Too, it's been really nice to see Nathan being able to spend more time with his brothers. He really missed them when all of that drama was going on, but he wanted to give them space so that he wouldn't be accused of trying to influence their decisions about things. Now when their schedules match they can actually sit back and talk to each other. Our kids can know their kids and it's just good all the way around. I just wish Heather could benefit from it all somehow. Poor Ravi still misses her Grandma a lot and wishes to see her. Cas has just become indifferent. She's even said that her Grandma makes her uncomfortable and She doesn't really know what to do when She comes around. Ravi is getting to that point the more she sees that her Grandma doesn't call or visit, or even write.

Today when I opened the door there was snow on the ground. It was a nice surprise. I'm a big fan of seasons. For a while it felt like March, not December. Getting cold and sniffy and drinking hot tea or cocoa just adds to the Christmas mood. It's so great.

Well, today is going smoothly. I can open my eye and the selling has gone down, so I should be able to see well enough to get the girls to Spanish class. It only took 3 days of pressing it with hot wash cloths.
Tomorrow, Nathan finally has a day off. Already it's filling in. We have to go to my dad's house to assist in electronic advice. Then Cas has a doctor's appointment. I'm praying- praying -praying She's okay. These past few months adding up, have my mind spinning with all the negative possibilities. I'm hoping it's just something simple, but deep down I suspect more, and it scares me a lot. Maybe it's just my imagination running away with me.
I don't know.
Those girls are just, well, they are so innocent that I don't want the real world of sickness and worry to bring them down. It's probably just another cold or something, and I've probably been watching to many Dr. shows. Hopefully tomorrow, we'll find out something.

It has been very crazy here lately. Sticking to the budget has proven very trying at times $300+ of our last check went to unexpected Septic issues.
Now getting ready for Thanksgiving is consuming me. I don't have the ham I wanted and I'm just going to deal with it. After looking at this months budget my mind hurts. Hopefully spring will be better for us.
Nathan and I are both really tired. This overnight schedule has been killing us. When he's at work I can't sleep thinking I have no back up to help protect the kids if something happens. When he's here, he tends to be more awake at night so that's when a lot of our time together happens. He sleeps during the day, but the kids need an adult to do their school work with so I can't lay down. I'm so exhausted all the time. I just want to get away from everyone for a day or two and rest.
The kids are great and witty as ever. We put our tree up a few days ago. It's pretty.
Not much else is going on.

These past few weeks have been crazy busy. Maybe not by other people's standards, but last night I about cracked. It is really taking a toll on our lives. I'm really hoping that we really get this new schedule. I don't believe it's going to happen, but Nathan thinks it will. I know how they work, and am anticipating that things won't be like they're supposed to be.
In other news Millie goat still hasn't had that baby and since I don't remember putting her in with Adam, I'm not sure that she's really pregnant.
Cas and Ravi did really well in their Vanity performance. I just wish that more people supported them. At least their Aunt Cindy and Shirley came to see them. It would have been nice if some of their other "grown up" friends would have come.
At church things are going okay. I've started teaching the Sunday class again. I'm trying to take it more slowly this time. Nathan teaches all the time now. The puppies are getting big and have decided chasing the hens is really fun. That's taking some work. The insurance adjuster is coming today. Hopefully we'll get some good news.
I've started re-discovering some old music I grew up listening to. Tom T Hall and Roger Miller. And Nirvana, Beck, Soul Asylum. They don't exactly go together, but we grew up weird.

We've been having a lot of happy days lately. We got to go see Lisa and Sam and their new house. There was this awesome park made of wood and tires. I went on the zip line and about fell off, and laughed my tail off. I've seriously considered moving there. Lisa is the funniest person I know and so patient with Caspian and Aravis. She and Same are awesome. Every time I leave I miss them more.
The best part was this time I didn't worry about getting home. I actually just enjoyed the time with the kids and Nathan.
The Harry potter exhibit was awesome. There were all the costumes and props. We walked through Hagrid's hut. I wonder why they didn't wait until the last movie had been released before they made this Exhibit.
This last trip reinforced my enjoyment of spending time away from the world around me. It can be so peaceful. However, I realize too that the kids need to stay in contact with their friends. They've been having so much fun with Tabby and Vera. Speaking of which, I'd better go check on them.

Okay so a couple of weeks ago we started homeschooling. Largely decided by the fact Nathan's work schedule was due to change to a 3 on 3 off long day schedule. Well, now they've changed their minds and are, for the time being, not doing that. While that was not the only thing we based our decision on, it was a large factor. Now it's just me and the kids 24/7. It's pretty cool, and they are hilarious when the think no body's watching, but I feel like I have to constantly have them working on homework or projects. Like if someone found out they were home schooled, but were playing in the yard in the middle of the day, I'd get in trouble. Maybe I'm paranoid. They are learning a lot, but there's that propensity to wonder if it's enough.

In other news our goat friends will be arriving in about 4 weeks. There is so much to do. As if our barn weren't broken down enough, we lost more siding in the wind. We've got to get that patched up and the inside cleaned out. Any volunteers? I have an extra pitch fork.

Since the last I've written, 50% of those stick butterfly bushes are actually producing leaves, small though they are. Also the kids have officially started their home school adventure. While we're still working out the kinks, I think we're going to like it. They have a lot more opportunity than they would've at school. It is going to be more expensive than I originally anticipated and I don't know where a lot of the funds are going to come from, However, those things have a way of working themselves out.
At church last Sunday 3 people were baptized. (2 were re baptized) I don't know what to make of that. I think it's great, but I never thought re baptism was necessary. I was baptized young too, and I wonder what they think of me. I went through High School and youth making all sorts of mistakes post baptism and I've asked for forgiveness. I thought that's what you were supposed to do. Maybe not. There are a lot of new young people at our church and I just feel myself slipping further and further into my cynicism. I don't like that I'm that way, but I tend to be on the look out for evidence of the vibes I'm feeling. Sometimes I feel like a snake slithering through the grass, constantly monitoring the air looking for something to strike.

I just came in from planting my mail order butterfly bushes. They arrived looking like dead twigs. Nothing like I thought I was getting. But I planted them and can only hope that they'll take off. The kids and I fed them some sugar water to give them a little food to help them take root better. I'm really hoping they take off. There were also 2 red maple trees in this order. I don't know where to plant them yet, but if they survive it will be really great to see their bright red leaves in the fall.
Tonight is the parents meeting for beginning homeschooling. I'm nervous and excited. Hopefully it goes well. I'm looking forward to getting some information.
Fernie and Violet are growing so fast. They hardly seem like puppies at all, but you remember that they are when they take off with your garden plants in their mouths begging you to chase them. I had to wrestle Fernie for my watermelon plants just the other day.
Cas and Ravi are excited about homeschooling this year. Ravi wants to learn Spanish. Cas doesn't really talk much about it. I wish people could see what Nathan and I see in them. Aravis is very social and Cas is very introverted and awkwardly funny in public, but at home they are goofy and witty and intelligent. The world is missing so much.
I am so lucky to have them.

I'm so excited that by the end of the week we should have our EF funded. Then on to the other stuff. We've decided to homeschool Cas and Ravi, so this year will definately be a challenge for us. I'm nervous and excited all at the same time, but step by step I'm hoping to get a little further off the grid. Except for maybe the internet. I like that too much. We've started doing more gardening this year. Even though we mostly had zucchini and green peppers, the fact that we can successfully grow something, with God's help anyway, has motivated us to try again next year.
Nathan and I are doing a lot better too. We're getting along with eachother more and I may be finally started to put all the past behind me. Two weeks from now my mind may change though.
Cas did great with 4-h and had the support of the community to the tune of $250 for her dairy weather goat. It's stuff like that, that makes me neve want to move.
Ravi's b'day is coming up and I'm trying to decide what to get her. She'll be 9! I can't believe she's already to the age where money would be the best gift so she can buy what she wants.
She'll probably get clothes and a couple toys.
The weather here has been unseasonably wonderful. Not the high 80's of July. At least not what I've felt. It's the type of weather that makes you want to get outside and do something productive that you can be proud of. I wish I could. Our rider mower is broke again, and we've decided we need a new one, but that's not in the budget untill next spring, which means our yard is about 3ft high with grass, but at least our wild flower garden turned out nicely.
Man,
I better get off here and go do something before those wonderful kids of mine wake up.

I love this time of day. It's the time between Nathan leaving for work and when the kids are still sleeping. It's a great chance for me to have some one on one time with the animals and to feel the wet grass between my toes. Especially this time of year. The fields around us are in corn this year and it's getting taller. It makes me feel so sectioned off from the world and private.
I keep thinking how it would be nice to move to a newer house, maybe in a small town that has a library or needs volunteering where we wouldn't have to drive, but I don't quite think it's the best idea. We constantly have more projects than money going on here and I am always seeing things that I think need replaced or fixed or improved. It just never feels like I'm peaceful.
Nathan and I have decided to try our hand at homeschooling Cas and Ravi this year. I'm nervous, but I see unlimited possibilities, and I also see that I could make them fail miserably.
The puppies are growing. They really need formal training to burn off some of that puppy-ness. I really love them.
I've not been reading my bible like I should be, and I feel a bit guilty about it. I know I'm to be an example to the kids,
Not too much other stuff is going on. Our garden put out a lot of zucchini this season and we are still plugging away at our Dave Ramsey program.
Have a great day!

Things are going better. The weather is cool this time of morning (3:00 a.m.). Nathan's work schedule is making me crazy. It switches every week.
The softball game was great last night and we won!. Well I didn't play, but it was our team. I had an awesome day taking the Kids to Shades. It was nice to have our little picnic. It was so good to take a couple hours of uninhibited time with the kids. They are going so fast, growing up so quickly. I don't know where the time went.

I'm still sitting here at this computer. wondering if any of the people I'm thinking of ever stop and think of me, and miss me, like I do them. If when they hear certain songs they get that little twinge inside of them and stop for a second and breathe in and breathe out. Like I do. It's all Blood and Fire to me. Blood and Fire.

It's 3:00 AM. I STILL CAN'T SLEEP. Under the guise of catching up on laundry, I'm awake, not doing laundry, but searching for some form of mental peace. Trying desperately to forget the flashbacks that are floating around my mind like clips from an old TV special. I keep waiting for the little guy in my brain to slip into his tuxedo and say Margaret Lynd.... this is your life. I look and Caleb and Holly and they seem to have it so together. I wonder if Nathan and I did at that young age. They seem to know what they're doing so much better than I do. In the course of time people do things, things you try and forgive. It's been nearly a year since I told Nathan I loved him. Each time I consider it, the feelings rush to the forefront of my mind. Anger, hurt, betrayal. And then I just can't bring myself to do it. It's so difficult for me to let go of this stuff, yet each time I try, I kick myself for being so stupid to begin with. How could I be such an idiot and not know what was going on. I should've never trusted. Like I should've seen this coming. Things have improved. It's been over a year and I've recovered from the hysterectomy and the tumors are all gone for now. I'm getting my energy back and am enjoying time with Cas and Ravi. But sometimes, I still look and wonder what old friends are doing. What am I missing out on, what will I become from here on out?

The past few days my mind has been racing, racing more than normal. It's been flooded with memories. Part of it stems from going through my old stuff. I found my old notebook from high school and some of the things I was reading brought out so much heart break. Crushes I had that I never acted on. Things I wrote that I wish I'd have told people. Things I dream about turning out differently than they did. Maybe it's normal after 12 years of being a house wife and mother. Maybe some of this is normal. We all need 20 minutes here and there so that we can make sure we're not going off the track, or to put ourselves back on as the case may be.

I was cleaning out my old desk drawer looking for more yard sale junk and came across some of my old poems, and songs. It's been ages since I'd seen some of them. At the time I questioned if they were good, or not. But looking at them now, I wondered how I could ever have thought of any of those things. My mind is so full now of daily life, that I don't think I could ever create anything like that again. It reminds me of the old Tracy Ullman (sp?) show were her character plays a rock-star. All her friends love her, but once she falls in love and gets married, all her songs are about babies and love, and they all start to sound the same. It was a really funny sketch, and it's kind of how I feel now. I may try my hand at it again sometime, but I don't think I'll like what I write until 20 years from now.

This has been a really long week. The Scout fishing day was a horrible disappointment as far as turn out. I am thankful that the other kids came so that my girls weren't the only ones there. Nathan worked so hard getting donations it was so disappointing that nobody else showed up. Officer Johnson from the DNR was wonderful. He taught us a lot and it's been a long while since I've seen someone so kind with kids. I am really trying not to be cynical, but the adults who agreed to participate and help and yet didn't even bother showing up or contacting me, they FRUSTRATE me so much!!!

On a happier note, I am very excited about the up coming yard sale. I'll get to hang out with Holly for a couple days. She's pretty cool. I forget sometimes how much younger than me she is. She and I have the same in-laws, so we have some common issues. She is much kinder and more patient than I am though.
Any money we earn is going to stock our Dave Ramsey Emergency Fund.

In the kids' minds this summer isn't the best, but I am so glad we didn't sign them up for ball this year. They've actually had time to be kids again. It's been so long since they could do that. They've been having water fights, looking for bugs and toads, and playing with Fernie and Violet. It's so nice to see them having real, natural, fun.

Cas and Aravis are growing up so fast, it scares me. I still don't know if I should pull them out this year or go with the original plan of waiting until 6th grade. I don't know what to do. I've seen perfectly good kids completely change their whole lives with one or two questionable decisions. A guy I went to school with lost his full ride scholarship because of one bad choice. Now he has a beer gut and is working at a tire store or something.
I know I can't keep them from everything, but I can have them avoid some of that negative stuff that eats at their esteem and self image. All in good time I guess.

Sometimes life throws you somethings you just can't figure out. No matter how much you pray and hope, you soon realize that nothing is in your own hands .
I just received an e-mail that an old girlfriend of mine lost her baby. Her situation was not the most ideal. It was not even the least ideal, but there's something that comes with new life that breathes much needed optimism into the lives around it. The thing is, this is the 5th death in a row of unborn or newborn babies among my friends. The past 5 pregnancies, consecutively,among my family and close friends have all ended in death of the child. I know we're supposed to learn from these situations, but sometimes it seems hard to find out what lesson there is. Is God telling us there is no hope anymore? Or was He protecting those innocent souls from being subject to the way this nation treats His children?

It is just so hard to see these families suffer and have to go on living their lives, knowing something is missing. Knowing they should be planning for one more.

Dandelions have taken over my grass
But, I kind of like how that seems.

Like shards of broken yellow glass
Reflecting billions of scattered sun beams.

The pups of the fall are now hounds,
They've been beying all through the dark.

And there's not a coon on the ground,
Who wouldn't run from that bark.

This porch is getting soggy with rot
And the paint flies away with the wind

But the time is too short and too hot
So let's find the pond and jump in.

05/07/2009

Hi,

Today I'm baking some stuff for the kids school and girl scouts. This scout thing is eating me up. It's taking over space in my house, my time and my mental state. What frustrates me more is that other adults just abandoned it and they don't think of the kids they're leaving with a bad impression what being a scout could be.

On another note, I've been listening to Dave Ramsey all morning. Trying to figure out how to get ahead financially more than we've been. This is so not how my life planned, but at least the hospital is payed off now. I think a lot about that hospital stay. There were so many benefits that came with having the tumors removed, but it also removed the chance for any pregnancies. You'd think I'd be glad about that since I had kind of been done having kids with the two girls, but there's a difference in making that decision on you own and having it made for you. Often times I'll look at our neighbor's daughter and think about our youngest who would've been just a few weeks different in age than her. I picture how they would've been in kindergarten together and maybe been doing the school programs. Cas and Ravi would've been such great big sisters. Cas is so nurturing and patient and selfless. Ravi can seem self involved, but if you watch her she would give anything to try and make someone happy and they both are very contemplative individuals. I can only imagine them sharing that with their brother. He would've been spoiled. However, nobody could ever have been more surprised at the 2 kids I have than me. My childhood was, different, let's say. Being a parent was something I didn't know how to do or ever planned on doing. I was scared of all the what ifs. Cas and Ravi have made all the difference in the world to me. Somethings I've learned from raising them, that I never learned from my parents is that it's okay to say "I don't know", or "I was wrong, I'm sorry." You can say "No" with out being mean about it.

Wow, I never realized how boring I can be when left to my own devices. I should write something fun. ---Sunshine- lollipops- cute kittens- baseball. There, now you have fun things to remember about reading this.